When Becky was diagnosed with cancer 4 and half years ago, it was just the worst thing to experience. So unexpected, so difficult to watch. But as bad as it was, I remember thinking that out of all of the Hale kids, she was the one who could handle it best, bring glory to God, impact the most people. Not that I wanted her to have it, of course, but I could see the grace and strength she had, and I watched her become stronger, more mature, more beautiful inside and out.
And I longed for that kind of change in my own life. Now I certainly would have never chosen cancer to bring about a change in me. I wouldn't have chosen it back in March, and I wouldn't choose it now. But the truth is that is has brought about a change in me. I'm softer; I have more joy; I have a more positive outlook on life; I'm more thankful; I might even be a little bit more patient (when not under the influence of steroids). And I say this not as any kind of "kudos to me" but more in a humble recognition of God's work in my heart.
But the last week has been tough. Really tough. I have battled in my mind for control. I have been cranky, maybe even downright hateful. There has been anger where there was no anger before. There have been thoughts of how unfair it all is. And we don't let our kids use the term "it's not fair" so I certainly shouldn't be thinking it. I have prayed and felt no peace. I have read Scripture and felt nothing. I have dodged phone calls. I have retreated into my iPad, stayed off the computer, etc.
But tonight, despite the fact that I do not feel well physically, I am finally battling my way out of this funk I've been in for the last several days. I don't think it's completely over, but my mind is starting to feel strong again. I feel the strength to resolve not to drift into that dark place that doesn't allow me to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. And I am grateful for the hope I have in Jesus, because I don't know how people who live without hope survive daily life, much less something like cancer.
This verse keeps coming to my mind: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Thanks again, friends, for all the messages and prayers. I am certain, as always, that they are what keep me going when life is hard.