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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Still learning

When Becky was diagnosed with cancer 4 and half years ago, it was just the worst thing to experience. So unexpected, so difficult to watch. But as bad as it was, I remember thinking that out of all of the Hale kids, she was the one who could handle it best, bring glory to God, impact the most people. Not that I wanted her to have it, of course, but I could see the grace and strength she had, and I watched her become stronger, more mature, more beautiful inside and out.

And I longed for that kind of change in my own life. Now I certainly would have never chosen cancer to bring about a change in me. I wouldn't have chosen it back in March, and I wouldn't choose it now. But the truth is that is has brought about a change in me. I'm softer; I have more joy; I have a more positive outlook on life; I'm more thankful; I might even be a little bit more patient (when not under the influence of steroids). And I say this not as any kind of "kudos to me" but more in a humble recognition of God's work in my heart.

But the last week has been tough. Really tough. I have battled in my mind for control. I have been cranky, maybe even downright hateful. There has been anger where there was no anger before. There have been thoughts of how unfair it all is. And we don't let our kids use the term "it's not fair" so I certainly shouldn't be thinking it. I have prayed and felt no peace. I have read Scripture and felt nothing. I have dodged phone calls. I have retreated into my iPad, stayed off the computer, etc.

But tonight, despite the fact that I do not feel well physically, I am finally battling my way out of this funk I've been in for the last several days. I don't think it's completely over, but my mind is starting to feel strong again. I feel the strength to resolve not to drift into that dark place that doesn't allow me to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. And I am grateful for the hope I have in Jesus, because I don't know how people who live without hope survive daily life, much less something like cancer.

This verse keeps coming to my mind: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Thanks again, friends, for all the messages and prayers. I am certain, as always, that they are what keep me going when life is hard.


8 comments:

Renee T. said...

I wish for you peace, joy, and happiness in the coming days, months, and years ahead.

You and your family are in my thoughts and it is a gentle reminder for me to be more grateful for all the blessings in my own life.

:) Renee

Joan B said...

hugs

Christine said...

I understand why you don't use the term "it's not fair" ... but, really, it isn't. And I think that with all you are facing, you are allowed to slip up and use that once in a while. My first diagnosis will be 19 years ago next week, and I'm still learning not to slip up and fall into the "it's not fair" world.

And, for what it's worth, your journey the last nine months has made a huge difference in *my* relationship with God. I've found faith I thought I lost. I think you have impacted so many more people than you will ever know!!!

Mayme said...

I love you girl!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad u c it...I've seen it...U've inspired me...we're all on journey of excepting r lives & learning best way 2 live w/ what we've been given...even baby steps r progress & makes r patient Lord smile! Love & prayers

Vicky said...

Amen girl, amen to the whole post... I've slid into a funk myself and I just let myself sit in it for awhile. And now, even though emotionally I am not quite ready, I do feel stronger physically and am going to "fake it till I make it..." Thanks for the reminder of that verse- it resonated with me deeply and I'll carry with me as I go about my day. Sending love and blessings to you! Here's to climbing out!

thewonderfulhappens said...

while I wish it wasn't brought about by cancer, your journey and your faith has affected so many people in a positive way!
Thank you for your honesty!

The Burkerts said...

Thank you so much for sharing! I too have been impacted with your journey. I know you have impacted so many more lives than you will ever know. Continue to look to God for your strength! And as always we will continue to lift you and your family up in our prayers. Love you so much!