Scarves, Little Hair, and More Hair

As anyone who frequently flies knows, you have to show your photo id multiple times. And if you're renting a car, booking a hotel room, etc. you have to pull it out even more often.

We flew to McKinney, Texas, back in October. I was still bald and in scarves. My driver's license shows me 4-5 years ago with very long, very thick, very dark hair. And a whole lot younger looking, by the way. As you can imagine back in October, I got alot of pitying looks; some people just avoided eye contact all together. 

When I flew to Oklahoma in January, I had hair, but it was still pretty obvious that maybe that short haircut wasn't quite on purpose. I got alot of double takes as the id checkers tried to  make sure the person standing in front of them was actually the person in the picture.

And now this time, it's been just as uncomfortable. Every single checker has made a comment about the drastic change in my hair. I just smile and acknowledge their comments about how much easier/cooler/less work it must be. And then the poor guy at the rental car company just wouldn't let it go. He mentioned it multiple times and then finally just came out and asked me why I would make such a drastic choice (this does nothing for my self-confidence, by the way). So I told him that I actually hadn't cut it, but that I had cancer and it was growing back and this was actually long for me these days. Awkward.

He felt really bad. I felt bad. It's all such a reminder that I can't get away from cancer. And with my April 3 appointment looming, I'm kind of having trouble staying calm about it all. As we meet with a realtor today in McKinney, I can't help wondering if we're just fooling ourselves to think that we can move on. Are we just cutting ourselves off from family and friends if my cancer does not remain stable? That whole only-20%-make-it-to-5-years statistic keeps reverberating in my head, and I have to remind myself over and over that God has a plan. That I'll be okay no matter what that plan includes. Some days it's harder than others to choose to believe, to be thankful, to have joy.

And for those of you who asked about my talk coming up in 2 weeks (for which I am NOT prepared), my outline is: Choose to Believe, Choose to be Thankful, Choose Joy. I'm thinking that the timing of preparing for this talk is not coincidental.

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11