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Friday, September 23, 2011

Scan Results

Well, the news is not quite what we hoped. There has been no significant change since surgery. The cancer is still there. The good news is that it hasn't spread, but it hasn't gotten any smaller either. I start a new chemo regimen on Tuesday. 

And just in case you have somehow gotten the mistaken idea that I am strong or brave or full of faith, I'm fairly floored and a little bit in shock by the news. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it most certainly wasn't that there has been no change. I feel as if the last 20 weeks of pain and nausea and not being there for my husband or children has all been for nothing. I would appreciate your prayers as we tell the kids tonight. This is the part I dread the most. Not the chemo or bad results, but the impact on Camden and Rory.

But even in my numbness and a whole lot of tears, my mind went almost immediately to a song Becky had posted earlier this week by the David Crowder Band. I really, really want to choose to rest in Him.

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

59 comments:

Linda Balthrop said...

Melissa, I have no words of great comfort because I have no clue what you are going through so with that just know I am praying and I love you.

Paula said...

Oh Melissa I am so sorry... God always brings good out of bad so I am praying you are able to see some good real soon. Hang in there child of God!

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I wish I had just the right words to say to you. You have been on my mind all day. I'm sorry that your results were not what you were expecting. I do know that God has a plan and we don't always understand it. I pray that you are able to keep your faith in Him and His plans for you.

I will pray for all of you tonight as you share this news with your children.

Thank you for taking the time to share so much of yourself and for allowing us the opportunity to laugh with you, cry with you, and cheer for you during this journey. You truly are an amazing person--mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend--thanks for the inspiration!!

Hugs and prayers...

Kathy (loveourboys, Holt BB)

Shawna said...

Melissa, I just want to send loads of love your way. I'll be praying for you as you talk to your kids. Hugs Sweetie.

sarahsanford said...

Oh.... I'm so sorry. Have you ever heard the song "Blessings" by Laura Story? I think of you every time I hear it. Here she is talking about the story behind the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDiTuSLSJB8
There's hope. We're all praying.

Renee T. said...

Oh Melissa, I wish you peace as you have the unbelievably difficult task of sharing this news with your children. As always, our family is keeping the
Lewis family in our thoughts.
-- Renee T.

Karen said...

I'm definitely praying for you, Melissa, especially as you and Brian tell the kids. I will continue to pray as you start chemo again. (((HUGS)))

Annie B. said...

DangNabbit!!!!!!!!! That and Crap are all I have to say at this point...no words of wisdom. I lit a candle this morning and will go light another one this afternoon to give you strength as you share this news with the kiddos...I love you.

Andrea

Beth said...

Oh Melissa.... I have no words except I am so sorry and I will keep praying for you as you tell the kids and continjue your fight this Tuesday. I am so sorry.

One Happy Mama said...

I am sorry to hear this - lifting you and your family up in prayers. Hugs to you ~Nancy

Katrina said...

My family, prayer group, and Sunday School class, and even some co-workers are praying for you. I pray that you will continue to feel God's peace and that his grace will be sufficient for all of you. Let us know if you think of anything more we can do.

Kara said...

Lifting you and your family up in prayer, Melissa - for strength, encouragement, and complete healing!

Kerin in DE said...

Thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers as you deal with this latest news. You may not have this cancer beat yet, but you have kept it from getting any farther -- that's huge, my friend. Keep up the good fight. Your friends and family have your back, as always.

Vicky said...

Oh my heart... I've fallen to my knees and poured out my heart to God so many times in those early days... the uncertainty and the heaviness of that news. I am so sorry you had to both hear that news today and now share that news. I'm praying for you and the hearts of your little ones.

Joan B said...

Well I do not blame you for feeling socked. I am glad nothing spread but sad that it didn't shrink. Hugs and here's hoping the next round is successful.

Marvetta said...

Oh Melissa, This makes me so sad. Just know that you are loved and there are thousands of people praying for you. I just can't imagine what you are going through. Love you Melissa and Brian, Camden and Rory!

Nancy said...

As I stopped and prayed for you, this worship song rang in my head. I haven't heard or sung this song in years, but i now find myself in tears singing these words to our Lord in petition for you.

I cry out
For your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need your love to free me
O Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me oh Lord

You are my hope
Your promise never fails me
And my desire
Is to follow You forever
For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me
For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me

Kelly said...

Oh Melissa, I am praying for you and your family consistantly...God be with you...

Amanda said...

Melissa, I am praying for you and Brian and Camden and Rory. I am sorry that the news was not what we were all hoping for but God is still in control and high on His throne, all of which I know that you already know. If you need anything please let me know.

The Princess and the Tot said...

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Sweet friend, I do not know why you are going through this right now, but I trust in our Lord, and I continue to pray for you daily.

LOVE YOU.

Tania said...

Hi Melissa. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can see how frustrating it must be to do all that work and not see any effects. However, I know that you have touched thousands of people through your blog and on facebook and I know you must be giving courage to those just starting their own scary journeys. There are a lot of people praying for you and keeping you and your husband, kids, and family in their hearts. Sending all my love.

LearningPatienceAZ said...

Continuing prayers for you and your family--I wish I had the right words to say but I know there are none. I pray every day for you, my friend.

Amy said...

Oh, Melissa I don't know what to say. I'm so so sorry. I don't understand and can't even begin to imagine how you feel. We are praying for you, Brian, Camden and Rory and love you all of you!

Krista said...

I am at a loss for words. I'm thinking of and praying for you tonight (and always) - I can't imagine the emotions you are experiencing right now. Sending positive thoughts for Tuesday too.

Brenna said...

I am so sorry, Melissa. Hugs to you tonight, and please know that I'm praying every day for your strength and for healing in Jesus' name! I will have a special prayer for you on Tuesday morning.

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry, Melissa. Praying for you and thinking of you, and hoping that this second round will knock that cancer flat.

Beth T. said...

Jeremy, Brooklyn and myself all just said a prayer for you and your family, and we will continue to do so! When we finished praying, Brooklyn said, "Mommy, God will heal her!"

One of Nettie's Girls said...

I continue to pray. I will pray specifically right now for grace while you tell Camden and Rory. I cannot imagine worrying about the kids on top of all the other emotions.

thewonderfulhappens said...

I'm so stinking sorry that this is the news you got. Praying tonight for your kids and for your strength for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I am a longtime member of the Holt boards and reader of your blog. My middle son, adopted through SWS, is a bit younger than Rory. Thinking of you and your family, especially this evening. Praying for you and wishing you peace and strength as you continue the fight.

-Angie (LeighW)

Elizabeth Frick said...

Melissa, all four of us are thinking of you, sending our love, and wishing you strength and health as you go through this. Love to you.

Hardcorescrapper said...

Oh I am so so sorry to hear this. Please know that you will be lifted in prayer tonight. Every time I look at my blue toes, I will say a prayer of healing, strength and peace for you. Hugs. -amber

Lili said...

Oh Melissa, I'm so sorry to read that you have to go through this all over again! You and your family are in my thoughts. Sending you lots of hugs and love!!!

Leah said...

O how I wish there was something clever I could say, something funny that would make you smile, or something I could do to make all this heavy burden go away. Reality sucks sometimes, but in that reality we find friends, support, lots of love, and hope. I'm so sorry Melissa, sorry I can't make it all go away. God does have a plan, and I can only guess that maybe we're all learning from you. Love, BIG HUGS, and prayers are surrounding you now! Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze, that's all of us surrounding you!

heidi said...

May God hold you close, as always. Hugs.

The Burkerts said...

Melissa, Brian, Camden and Rory. So sorry to hear the latest news.You have been such an inspiration to all of us. Stay strong Melissa! We love you! Prayers are being lifted up for all of you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear your news

Jennifer Woodbury said...

I am so, so sorry Melissa. It just isn't fair. Thinking of you. XOXO

Owlhaven said...

Praying for you and your family right now, Melissa.

Mary

Lauren said...

Oh Melissa... I wish you had gotten more uplifting news. And never feel badly for not being a rock through the journey.... You are absolutely amazing. Sending prayers that the new treatment is more successful and sending you some comfort... Know we're all here praying and routing you on! Much love. Xo

Tiki said...

Oh Melissa. It breaks my heart to read this. I was hoping upon hope that you would receive good news. You've been through so much. Your family deserves a break. You deserve a break. Sending virtual hugs.

Joanne (from the Holt bb) said...

Melissa,
My heart is going out to you. We have a little boy who is in 2nd grade and a 4 year old little girl adopted from Korea too. I can't imagine what you're feeling. We're continuing to pray big time. Even if you don't feel like you're resting in Him, you are. Sometimes it just means that you are stepping out in faith and going through the motions even when you "feel" differently. And that's okay, you're still faithful and sharing, you're just being honest and real. We'll continue to pray all the time for you!!

Jenna said...

Oh Melissa, i'm so sorry...I have no words but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rachel Young said...

Praying for you, my friend! xo

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I am so sorry to hear about the scan result. I will keep praying for you. I am in awe of how you manage to stay so beautiful, graceful, full of spirit, full of love etc etc I could just go on and on.I went through six rounds of chemo last year. They were very simple proceedures compared to what you have been through. So when I say I am full of admiration for you I know what I am saying. My thoughts and prayers are with you for a speedy recovery. Lots of love to you and your family. Sanna from Hong Kong

Judy Turnbough Bailey said...

I've never met you, but I have grown to love you through your writings; continuing to pray daily for you and for your precious family.

Kate Hadfield said...

Oh Melissa, I wish I had the right words to say to you. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts, sending you lots of strength, love and hugs xxx

worldshine06 said...

Im sorry. All I can say is to focus on the fact that it didnt grow or spread. The chemo DID work because it kept it from spreading, which it would have. I think this next round will do the trick...

j-chin said...

“Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms His child”.

Have faith, God bless.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, you don't know me but I am April from Oklahoma's Mother.I have been following your blog thru April. You are such an inspiration! This morning I read your blog before I went to run a 5k and I decide I would run for you. Thanks for being my inspiration!! When I got tired and wanted to walk I thought of you! AND I got 1st in my age division. Prayers and blessings to you!!!

Randi Oh said...

I'm so sorry. I believe the last 20 weeks were to keep it from spreading and beginning on Tuesday the tumor will shrink. You are amazing. You will beat this! I'm praying for you, Brian, Rory and Camden!! Constantly!

theredpumpkin said...

I feel like you are now a blog friend and I know (by reading all of the comments here and on facebook) that so many people care and are praying and want to carry some of the load for you and with your family. So many of us care about you and your family. I'm praying you experience His overwhelming peace and strength and that it is given to your husband, children and family.
I want you to know that I am and will be praying every single day for you...to have peace and for your complete recovery.

Amber said...

I will be praying for you and your family! Praying lots!

Kelly Carothers said...

Oh Melissa...my heart is so heavy for you right now. Please know that I pray for you daily. Love to you and your family...Kelly

sahlink (aka: Krista) said...

Melissa, I am so sorry that this was the news. I will be saying lots of prayers both for you... and your little ones. Keep your strength and faith in God. He will be there for you always.

Laura McCandless said...

I am holding you and your family up in prayer & believing in complete healing for you. Sending you many positive thoughts and much love. Laura

Valorie Wibbens said...

Melissa, you have been in my constant thoughts for a while....especially every time i glance at my teal toes! As this news is not the most perfect, im so happy to hear that it has not spread....that is HUGE- seriously good news- a step in right direction. All this work you've been doing IS doing good, and i have complete faith you're going to kick this ugly thing in the butt. Much love, positive thoughts and prayers comin your way...{hugs}

Joanna B said...

Melissa, I am so sorry. I will certainly be praying. Please let us know what you need...Hugs to you!!

Christine said...

Oh, Melissa. I'm all teary upon reading this news. I'm not really sure if it's from sadness or from anger. I simply have no words. You and your family are always in my thoughts... more so now (And tomorrow!) than ever before.

Hang in there my friend, HUGS.