2011 Project 365, Week 4

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2011_week4-web

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Football in the Park

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There are an embarrassing number of pictures in this post. It was one of those early fall afternoons that was just perfection. I had a hard time putting the camera down so that I could actually participate in the activity. It just felt like I was missing out on trying to capture the feeling of that hour in the park. If you can believe it, family, I actually played football. :) Side note: I have alot more pictures of Rory than Camden mostly because he moved too fast for me to capture very well. Most of his pics are blurry. Caught it even with his eyes closed. Watching barges and speed boats go by.
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Not Okay

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In the past 48 hours I've received 9 emails asking how I'm doing. I've been debating writing this post for more than 48 hours, and I may regret it later, but I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine so I'll just answer you all here. While I don't feel well physically, emotionally I feel completely battered. I knew this was going to be hard, but I clearly underestimated how hard it would be to face the reality that chemo is now my way of life. That I'm never going to get to quit. That there is no hope of a cure. That I am probably not going to see my children grow up or grow old with my husband. That physically, this is as good as it gets. I know I should look at chemo as a gift. It's supposed to kill cancer. But chemo hasn't proven to kill my cancer; it just makes me sick. I'm tired of being an "inspiration." Tired of choosing joy, choosing gratitude. Tired of not knowing where we'll live or work. Tired of waiting on God...
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Our 2nd Opinion Update

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Knowing my recent health history, you're not expecting good news, right? As I suspected, it was not pleasant to hear how difficult my physical situation is. Basically, the doctor told us that the best we can hope for is to keep the cancer stable, and I will remain on chemo indefinitely. I could not make myself ask how long that might be. Despite the bad news, I realized after several hours of reflection (and by reflection I mean crying and resisting the urge to scream at someone, something) that God did answer our prayer. We asked to feel calm, and we asked that the choice would be clear. The cancer center treated us very well; the staff was compassionate; the doctor spent a full hour with us giving us more information on ovarian cancer and treatment than we have received in the last 7 months. My treatment would have been the same at Vanderbilt as it was with Dr. W. The Taxol/Cistplatin/Carboplatin is the standard treatment. Ovarian cancer is rare enough and complicated enough th...
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