A Few Things

I've had a few things floating around in my head about cancer that I wanted to document. Some of them are kind of random, but since this is my on-line journal for the family, I'm jotting them down anyway.

Ever since we got the news last week of my lower CA125 level and the 2nd break from chemo, so many people have congratulated me, texted me, emailed me, FB'd me, etc. with messages of how good God is. And He is. So good. But I've wanted to say 100 times since then that God would still have been good if my news were bad. Obviously, it's easier to celebrate when our prayers are answered the way we want, but I think the true test of our faith comes when we're able to still acknowledge His goodness to us even when the answers aren't so easy.

My diagnosis has deeply affected my children. Camden internalizes everything so I never know quite what he's thinking. He vacillates between being compassionate and sweet to seemingly hard hearted. In fact, the good news we've received twice now in the last month has been greeted by absolutely no reaction from him. Rory, on the other hand, is terrified. She cries so easily every time I'm sick. She worries and worries about every doctor's appointment. Even this week, she has cried daily with worry over my scar tissue. When my mom arrives to spend time with us, she doesn't want my mom to do anything for her, only her mama and I am sure that stems from the so many days/weeks this summer that my mom came to help us because I was absolutely unable to care for them myself. I wonder daily how this is affecting them long term. Today she said to me at lunch, "Mama, can I tell you something? I'm going to be so sad when you die." And then she sobbed. As did I. But I also reminded her of Jeremiah 29:11, which we've adopted as our family verse and I think it helped.

I recently read an article by John Piper called Don't Waste Your Cancer. It really challenged me, and I wish that I would have read it earlier in my diagnosis. It puts words to some of my thoughts as I navigated this cancer journey as well as challenging me to do better.

And along those same lines, this post by Ashley at Lil Boo Blue is similar. The particular paragraphs I relate to are towards the bottom of the post talking about choosing to be positive, choosing joy. Cause it ain't easy what she is going through and what I went through. But we can either let it overcome us and cry all the time, or we can start each day new and just put one step in front of the other.

A really good example of someone who is choosing light in the wake of cancer is Vicky.

I avoid internet research and also reading organizations with groups of cancer bloggers (Mothers with Cancer, for example). Mostly because I can't manage the statistics and reality of those who are losing their battle with cancer. I am able to move forward with my own battle by living a little bit in the dark.

I've gotten pretty good at taking one day at a time, the good and the bad. It's why I could go back to chopping vegetables last week. While I am thrilled at my most recent news of 2 months off and the thought that those tumors just might be calcified, I am also very realistic about what my future could hold. And it's okay. We'll deal with it as it comes, both the good and the bad.

And, finally, something cancer has taught me: let Rory wear the pretty clothes. No need to save them in the closet for a better occasion.

Told you this was a little random.