The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Bad and Ugly:

Had my 4th round of chemo today. As has happened with each treatment, the side effects start hitting a little earlier each time. This was the first chemo day that I didn't leave encouraged.

Most of the reason for my discouragement is the fact that I learned today that only 20% of ovarian cancer patients do not experience a recurrence. That means there's an 80% chance my cancer will return. That is not encouraging. Anyone else not feel encouraged by that? As Becky says, cancer is a beast.

My blood pressure was 160 over 98 today, which is a little scary.

My CA 125 level was up to 40 and is now back to 27.3. I probably should be happy with that, but they want it closer to the 6-12 range and mine is not there even though my other chemo patient friend's levels are totally there.

I seriously considered posting pictures of my stomach to share my 12 inch scar, the two open holes, the scar from my laparoscopic surgery, my red and chaffing skin from all the adhesive, and the spot where my skin just rubbed off the first time I wore "real" clothes after wearing sweats for 3 weeks straight. And have I mentioned that my stomach is completely lopsided these days, and my belly button will never, ever be the same? I think my mother would never speak to me again so you'll just have to imagine it.

I'm obsessed with watching the scale creep down to a weight I haven't seen in 10 years and then creep up as I actually eat during the good days.

I'm kind of done with the steroids that keep me up at night, make me snappy, turn my face and neck red, and make me dizzy.

My doctor tells me that when they did the CT scan he didn't scan for cancer, but just to look at my port. My fearful side tells me that he just doesn't want to tell me bad news.

The water marathon has begun. After each chemo treatment, I have to drink ungodly amounts of water to help flush the chemo drugs out of my system. Do you know how much I hate water?

My red blood cell count is low enough to qualify for a blood transfusion. Sara, my chemo nurse, tells me that because I'm young, there's still a chance I'll rebound but to not be surprised if she calls me Monday and asks me to come in for a transfusion. Does that gross anyone else out?

I am really tired of getting up in the middle of the night to eat, then wait 30 minutes and take antibiotic. I'm guessing Brian is getting tired of this too.

But the Good:

My God doesn't really care about statistics. I'm trying not to.

My God does care about me. And there's a plan.

I only have 2 chemo treatments left. Two!

My CA 125 level is in the normal range.

The other chemo patients mother me, mostly because I'm young enough to be their daughter. It's kind of nice.

My blood pressure Monday was 120 over 80, which is perfect.

Thank heavens for Crystal Light lemonade which makes drinking water a little easier.

I see my scale at a weight I haven't seen in 10 years.

I kind of like the extra energy the steroids give me. They also help with the nausea.

My stomach holes are getting better, and I can actually take a real shower these days.

Friends, those both close by and those I've never met in person, have been SO amazing.

I wore a new shirt today and I can't tell you how many people told me that red is my color and that I look great. Always nice to hear.

That antibiotic that forces me to get up in the middle of the night is the strongest on the market and has completely taken care of my MRSA infection.

I hear you feel really good after a blood transfusion.

There's a new season of The Closer playing, and I love The Closer. Off to watch.

John 16:33 (from The Message)

I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world.