I don't know what I expected after pouring my heart out in all its ugliness and despair earlier this week. I'm not sure I had any expectation at all. I mostly thought that (a) it would be ignored because there's nothing really to say to a big complainer or (b) alot of cliches or platitudes would be thrown my way. As I'm sure you can imagine, after dealing with cancer for over a year, I've pretty much heard it all.
What I didn't expect, however, was the overwhelming support (I received almost as many personal emails as I did comments) and appreciation for my honesty. Thank you for not making me feel like a complainer or a melodramatic drama queen. I am always so worried that I will just be a big Debbie Downer and have placed alot of pressure on myself in these past few months to always have a positive spin on things. Isn't that what a Christian woman should do?
I don't think that I've been dishonest with you in the past because the truth is, despite some scattered bad days, I have overall managed to stay positive and thankful and joyful in spite of our situation. I've also become an expert at shoving all that grief and anger and sadness into a closed box that resides in the far corner of my heart. I think that the large dose of reality I received several weeks ago when I returned to chemo was just too big to shove into that box, and darkness from the previous 16 months came rushing out all at once.
Despite the development of a major health issue (more on that in a minute) I have felt so much more like myself in the last 48 hours, probably as a result of the collective prayers going up for me, and I really can't thank you enough. In an effort to avoid an emotional crash as destructive as the one I just went through, I am going to do my best to let Brian (first and foremost) and friends and family share my burden instead of struggling to hold it together on my own. Like many of you mentioned, you can take it. And you know what? So can God. It's not like He can't see those fears and questions in my heart already.
While there have been a couple of fun things happening around here (celebrating Camden's birthday and my parents coming into town for a visit), I'm also facing a new health situation. I've been in severe pain since Monday night with something similar to the gallstone issues I had in December and again in May.
Except, you know, I DON'T HAVE A GALL BLADDER.
I was supposed to have chemo tomorrow, but I'm seeing my surgeon first to see what's going on. Kidney stones as well as problems with my Bile Duct (which I also had a procedure done for in May) have both been mentioned. Complicating matters is the fact that the chemo I just started makes surgery impossible for 4-6 weeks because of blood issues. Prayers about this are definitely appreciated. I've avoided the ER simply because I had prescription pain meds in the house already.
And how about extra prayers for the hair situation. 49% of patients receiving this chemo lose their hair. It should start happening about day 14, which is today. While I thought that the texture had definitely changed over the weekend, I am having no tingling, no thinning or hair loss as of yet. Yes, this is vain. Yes, this is superficial. But I would love prayers that my hair holds on. I really, really, really want to be part of the 51% who get to keep their hair.
And one picture of the birthday boy. I've been a very bad family photographer the last couple of weeks, but I do have a few birthday pictures to share at a later date.
Happy 9th birthday, big boy!
Taken way too late at night. Settings are f2.2, ISO 800