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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Today

This afternoon I'll be walking into Dr. W's office to have my port flushed and for blood work, specifically my CA125 level. It has been exactly 2 months today since my last chemo appointment, and I have to say that I am finally, finally feeling better and I am not ready to give that up.

I randomly came across a blog yesterday (and I say randomly a little tongue-in-cheek because I don't believe it was random at all), and when I read her words, they knocked me over. It was as if God was whispering them to me with such clarity. Over the last few days, the idea behind the following paragraphs has been whirling around in my head, but I couldn't quite grab hold of it. Until I read her words. I tried to think of a way to rewrite them for myself, but in the end just decided to copy and paste and hope that you'll find some beauty in them for yourself.

It is now Saturday afternoon, and I am happy to report that, for now, all seems to be well, and that scary situation that took place on Friday morning has happened no more.

Am I “out of the woods”?

Well…no.

And not because I am necessarily still afraid I might be miscarrying, but because I became painfully (and yet happily) aware of a reality yesterday morning that I had failed to understand before: Friday was no different than any other day. Just because I was faced with the slight possibility of losing my baby did not change the fact that, if God wants me to have this baby, I’m going to have this baby. I might have been excruciatingly aware of the delicate balance between life and death, afraid to move or breathe for fear of upsetting it, but nothing had really changed from the hundreds of days before this one.

Such is the unseen truth that surrounds our comings and goings every day of our life. We are never “out of the woods” when it comes to possible sicknesses, losses, death…but then again, we are ever and always held fast in the palm of God’s hand. As the great missionary John Paton put it, “Looking up in unceasing prayer to our dear Lord Jesus, I left all in his hands, and felt immortal till my work was done.” If we really believe what the Bible says, we, too, must adopt the theology that we (and our children) are immortal until our work is done.

This brought me great comfort, and I realized that my fears that day were not based on whether or not God was in control, but on what He was going to ask of me, and although I was still discouraged by my erratically beating heart and my nerve-clenched stomach in the face of the unknown, I was so happy to note the spiritual growth that has taken place in my life since my last traumatic experience…

for it wasn’t too very long ago that I frequently displayed (by my fears and anxieties and my panicked speech) that I didn’t really believe God was in control at all. I am an extremely weak vessel, and so “tremulous” was still the state of my being as we sat in that exam room, but at the heart of me, the truth was ringing that God would be faithful to us, no matter what. I share these things as a memorial for my family and for my own forgetful heart. May we never forget how good He has been.


I'm afraid that I am still much too far on the side of fear and anxiety instead of trust (as clearly evidenced by the extreme anxiety I experienced after my last CT scan, not to mention my reaction to the cancer blogs recently and the despair I feel over my friend's call yesterday letting me know her cancer has returned), but I'm trying.

9 comments:

Christine said...

I thought today was the day. Know that you have my positive thoughts and prayers and whatever else you need. I'll be thinking of you lots.

And, that was a beautiful excerpt. And timed so perfectly for you.

HUGS.

Renee T. said...

Melissa-
I am continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts. Wishing peace for all of you.
:)

Mayme said...

Thinking of you and praying for you today.

Owlhaven said...

Dear Melissa,
Thanks for sharing that amazing blog post! Such a great perspective.
Praying God's very best for your day.
Hugs,

Mary

Randi Oh said...

I'm always thinking of you and praying. Today is the same. I'm lifting you. Fear and anxiety are a part of our journey when faced with life - We all are. We all do. It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be anxious.- what if our what ifs were all positive? I believe Gd is right there with you. I know you believe. Your faith is so strong. You are loved and exude love. I'm praying for a great day for you, Melissa. I hope comfort and peace wash over you. Aaaand when they do may that blanket be pulled out whenever you feel the need. I wish I could sit with you and just hug you. For now I'd like you to know how much you've helped me. With all you've been through you've helped so many. Thank you. You are amazing and special. Amazing ! With much love!

Vicky said...

You have no idea how this spoke right into my heart today- thank you for that. I'm praying for you today- that the break continues, that counts are stable and that you feel His loving presence with you as you go about your day.

Amy said...

Praying that today went well and that your ca125 level has gone down this time! What a timely excerpt and so beautiful. I'm still working on the trust and not fear and worry thing too. What a great reminder we can trust our awesome God!

one of nettie's girls said...

I needed this so much this morning regarding a health situation for one of my precious sisters! Thank you.

mrsgoresdiary.com said...

Hello! I noticed my blog was getting a lot of traffic from this site so I came over to check it out...
what I wasn't expecting was to be SO incredibly humbled by your words and to experience the overwhelming joy of knowing that God used my experience to help your heart through a trying time.
I don't know your entire story, but I want you to know that I am praying for you, and that God used YOU to encourage me in my walk! I was tearfully recounting to my husband all the blessings of the day, and this was at the top of the list, because I understood in this moment how God can use us wherever we are, and what a beautiful thing it is to be a part of the Kingdom. We spur each other on, and I am so glad this can even be done on the internet!
Thank you for sharing my words here, and thank you for so honestly sharing your heart. God bless you, my sister!