Life as a Lewis

I vividly remember Dr. W telling me (along with Brian and Becky who were with me) at my first post-op appointment in April 2011 to avoid the internet like the plague. He suggested not researching ovarian cancer, reading articles, etc. because of all the false information out in cyber world. He said if I did run across something and I had questions, to bring it to him and he'd willingly discuss. 

Nearly 2 years into this thing, I am realizing more and more that his real purpose in telling me to avoid internet research was that it's easier to stay optimistic if I listen to his reassuring voice instead of reading cancer blogs, cancer forums, see statistics, etc. For the most part, especially during those first 6 months, I was perfectly happy to stick my head in the sand and believe his optimistic view that I could beat this thing.

I've learned since then, of course, that more than 65% of women (a conservative number) diagnosed with ovarian cancer die within the first 5 years. And that includes those who are actually declared cancer-free at some point, which, of course, I have never experienced. 

With very few exceptions, I do not read cancer blogs. While I certainly relate to their point of view, their experiences; while they might "get" what I'm going through in ways that no one else can, I just can't do it. Friday I accidentally ran across the blog of a women in her early 50's with terminal breast cancer. She is witty and funny. I spent hours (oh, yes, seriously hours) reading her blog from start to finish. She linked to a friend who was my age, had kids my age, and was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer at 35. Despite knowing that it might be a mistake for me from an emotional perspective, Saturday night I read. And read. And read. Only to discover she passed away 4 years after her diagnosis. 

And I remembered why I avoid internet cancer blogs/forum/statistics. I just can't do it. I don't have the mental strength to keep my mind in check. They take me into depression I don't always have the strength to pull myself out of. In fact, after I read that blog last night, I immediately walked to my medicine cabinet, pulled out the Xanax and took a double dose to ensure that I would fall asleep instead of laying awake worrying all night. (It worked, by the way.)

Not sure why I'm blogging this other than as a reminder to myself that Life as a Lewis is a memory-keeping journal for my family. It's a blog about two super-cute kiddos who happen to have a mom with cancer. I hope I can find a balance between keeping everyone up to date on how I'm doing, therapeutic journaling for myself, but most of all . . . preserving our family memories for Camden and Rory.

ETA: I'm not knocking those who blog about cancer; just saying that for my own mental well being, I can't immerse myself in them.