Moving Forward

Yesterday felt like a bit of a disaster from start to finish. I woke up with a feeling of dread that has not been present in recent weeks. It certainly didn’t go away when I realized my oncologist and nurse had not really communicated about why I was visiting them at 8:00 on a Monday. They called this meeting; not me.

(Did I even mention that I had an unexpected meeting with my oncologist? They called me late Thursday and asked me to come in and discuss treatment/clinical trial options.)

Dr. C’s approach is to present the facts and then the patient makes the decision as to what treatment option to go with. And it’s not what I’m used to. I’m accustomed to visiting my primary care doctor with a cold, high blood pressure, stiff knee, etc. and he tells me how we’ll fix it. I take Camden and Rory to their pediatrician because they’re running a fever and Dr. H makes them all better.

Cancer is different. You don’t get “all better.” You try to make an informed choice and hope it’s the right one. When I asked Dr. C for her recommendation yesterday, she wouldn’t give me a recommendation . . . just presented the facts again and waited for me to make a choice. I’m not really a fan of that. I'm not really a fan of cancer.

For now we’ve decided to proceed with the already-scheduled course of action and to ignore (for now) some of the riskier drugs. I am having an echocardiogram this afternoon to make sure my heart is healthy enough for chemo and then I will receive my first infusion Tuesday, December 2. Dr. C is also going to refer me to local hospitals who have clinical trials that might be helpful.

I may have had my first crying fit and ungrateful feelings yesterday, but this morning I woke up in a much better frame of mind and am able to remember a few things.
  • The valet at the cancer clinic who whispered “may Christ be with you today” as he handed me my keys.
  • The receptionist who always says, “Well, hello, Gorgeous!”
  • That even though Brian wasn’t able to attend the appointment, Becky was able to video conference and be present.
  • I might have taken a major fall at work yesterday, but NO ONE SAW!
  • The kids had a great day with a family from our church yesterday.
  • I got to snuggle with a newborn for an hour after work. There’s not much better therapy than that.
  • The phone call with Becky last night to debrief the doctor’s appointment. While I felt very discouraged, she saw things differently and that’s always good.
  • I was the weak one last night while Brian was strong. Funny how that always happens – we’re never weak at the same time.

    Today I’m trying to fit in 6.5 hours of work into 4 from home (with 2 very hyped up kids I might add), and then I’ll head to Nashville for another doctor’s appointment. Getting back into cancer mode feels hard, like an uphill battle. But I think I can do it if I can just remember to take it one step at a time.



    Katrina said…
    I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing-it helps to keep things in perspective-You are awesome and gorgeous! :)
    Melissa said…
    Praying for you. (((hugs)))
    Owlhaven said…
    Praying for you, friend.
    Thinking of you.
    bodegalee said…
    I've been thinking of you the past several days and know this is such a difficult time (to put it lightly). I've never been in your shoes, so can only imagine. As you mentioned, it would be so nice for the MD's to provide their recommendations (remember that ?? of: "if this was your loved one, what would you suggest"). My friend, I wish I knew you in person and could give you a big hug. You are such a pillar of strength, courage and faith. I truly believe that will take you so far. Prayers coming your way...and looking forward to the posts re: kicking cancer's ass! ((HUGS))!
    Amy said…
    My heart just aches for you, Melissa. I am so sorry you are having to walk this road again...and frankly I'm just a little mad too. I know it is nothing compared to how you are feeling. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent. Praying for strength, grace, peace, and complete healing.
    Mayme said…
    Thinking about you guys.
    Karen said…
    Love and prayers. XOXO
    Wendy said…
    Prayers, hugs.and peace to you beautiful lady!!
    X said…
    you are beautiful. i'm praying for you and sending you love, guidance, and peace.
    Erin said…
    Praying that The Lord gives you the manna you need for each day--exactly what you need. I'm so thankful we serve an all-powerful living God who promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Always remembering you in prayer.
    Lady said…
    Consider adding canabis oil to your daily regime. It has been shown to kill/shrink cancer, even in real clinical trials! Canabis is not immoral. It is a drug God provided, naturally. Unlike the chemicals that he has gifted man to find and combine and create. Don't be afraid to try the natural things along with combined medicine. Alkaline water, too. Prayers. I hope you get it for good.
    Julie said…
    We don't know each other ~ I can't even remember exactly how we got on your mailing list. I think it was when a couple came to Unity to tell our church about a mission work in Texas. Anyway, when we got your newsletter, I found your blog and have read it ever since. You were on my mind so much Thursday night and Friday. I was praying for you then, I am praying for you now! <3
    I’m a mess from your last few posts, so I’ll leave it at the fact that I’m taking “Forward” to heart. Praying that “forward” brings all sorts of wonderful for you. Hugs.

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