Project 365/52 - Week 22

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Align Center

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Not Okay

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In the past 48 hours I've received 9 emails asking how I'm doing. I've been debating writing this post for more than 48 hours, and I may regret it later, but I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine so I'll just answer you all here. While I don't feel well physically, emotionally I feel completely battered. I knew this was going to be hard, but I clearly underestimated how hard it would be to face the reality that chemo is now my way of life. That I'm never going to get to quit. That there is no hope of a cure. That I am probably not going to see my children grow up or grow old with my husband. That physically, this is as good as it gets. I know I should look at chemo as a gift. It's supposed to kill cancer. But chemo hasn't proven to kill my cancer; it just makes me sick. I'm tired of being an "inspiration." Tired of choosing joy, choosing gratitude. Tired of not knowing where we'll live or work. Tired of waiting on God...
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A Little News

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Talked to my nurse today and Dr. W wants me to come in so he can discuss my scan. This is a little bit of new territory for us because he's never discussed before - just put me on a new treatment plan. The nurse said there was a note on the scan saying that there were no new masses and my original nodules remained unchanged, but my CA125 was 19.4 this month so that means an increase 2 months in a row. If I had to guess, I would say that Dr. W is going to tell us that he's got nothing left in his chemo arsenal to try since I've now had a total of 6 different chemo drugs and they have had no effect. I suppose I should feel lucky/grateful for a slow-growing cancer. I would rather feel grateful for no cancer, but that is clearly not going to be my story. Unfortunately, because of the office/hospital switch, his earliest "discussion" appointment isn't until January 22. The nurse is going to try to fit me in so I don't have to wait for 2 weeks, which I ...
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