Thousand Gifts 205-236

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I'm wallowing today. I haven't spent much time wallowing, but today is definitely the day. Much of the initial peace and calm that came with my diagnosis and surgery is gone, and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything except the negatives. And I have cancer, so there are alot of negatives. I could not even begin to describe the drama happening in our lives behind the scenes, but suffice it to say that our household is under more stress than ever before. The kids aren't able to verbalize their stress/fear so it comes out in disobedience, disrespect, and testing their boundaries. I'd like to say that Brian and I face each situation with grace, but we're only human and are not as patient with them or with each other that we should be.

As I sat crying on the phone with my mom and sister this morning, Rory rubbed my back and said, "you don't have anything to be sad of. It's only treatment, and it will make you well." And she's right. It's only medicine, it's only 6 months of feeling like trash, and it's only my hair. But it will make me well. And I'm grateful for a treatment plan, good doctors and compassionate nurses, despite my feelings toward this diagnosis and what it's doing to our lives.


I'll admit to struggling with posting this list today. But it's in the times that I don't want to be thankful, that it's most important that I stop for a second and be thankful. And notice #229.

205. safe travels for my mom
206. my mom
207. lunch with friends
208. Rory's pediatrician
209. the hilarity that comes from a 4 year old on steroids
210. booking a photo shoot with a friend
211. having Brian and Camden home for a 4 day weekend
212. Matthew 22:36-39 "Become all that God intended you to be. Love Him. Love people. Love the life you've been given."
213. Olive Garden pasta
214. new dresses
215. He is risen.
216. early morning Easter egg hunts
217. the sound of Camden giggling
218. freshly cut green grass
219. the color pink
220. Camden's excellent grades which are too often overlooked
221. surviving another stay in the hospital
222. safety from the storms
223. soup from Panera Bread
224. sweet tea
225. little boys in baseball uniforms
226. freshly cut green grass
227. happy, smooshy, 8 month old babies
228. pedicures
229. letter from the insurance company stating they'll pay for genetic testing
230. supportive church family
231. a sister and brother-in-law who not only care for us, but stand up for us
232. safety in the car when I nod off to sleep
233. breakfast for supper
234. family night
235. Rory in goggles playing in the bathtub
236. long, scalding hot showers

050311

Comments

Mayme said…
I am so happy about the insurance payment!

Walllow if you will. God gets it and you deserve some wallowing time.

Okay, so say prayer for me! Two 4 year old girls! Oh the drama:) Emma is already talking about Rory and we are looking forward to tomorrow.

I love you friend.
Mayme
5:57 PM
everythingismeowsome said…
It's okay to wallow. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't mean you don't have faith. It means you're human!

I, too, love me some Olive Garden pasta. Good stuff.
7:18 PM
Jennifer Woodbury said…
I think allowing yourself some time to wallow is important. Just wanted you to know I think of you often Melissa. :)
7:21 PM
Barbara said…
Wow, I can't even begin imagine what you and your family are going through right now. I continue to lift you up in prayer.
7:22 PM
Joy said…
Hooray for the insurance coming through!

Wallow away. Kick, scream and throw a full on tantrum. God is in charge, but we are human and our bodies can only handle so much stress before we have to deal with it. (I also vote for chocolate - lots of chocolate.). Praying so hard for you, Brian, and the kids.

Love you girl.
7:28 PM
Amy said…
You have been on my mind and heart so much already this week, Melissa. I can only imagine the emotions and feelings this week is bringing. I love you and am praying for you, Brian, and the kids! So glad to hear the good news about the insurance and rejoicing with you!!
7:37 PM
Wendy said…
Melissa, You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! I think it is important and necessary to wallow and let things out!Hugs and Love! Wendy
8:55 PM
Elizabeth Frick said…
I would think that wallowing would be a very necessary part of this stage of your life! I'm very impressed that you've been able to hold off on it until now. I can only imagine how tense and stressful your house must be right now.
I hope it helps (even the tiniest bit) to know that I am thinking of you and sending all my love every time you cross my mind.
You are a strong, beautiful woman and a wonderful, loved mama. We are ALL cheering you on, from all over the country.
Oh, and you KNOW I love that insurance company bit! Damn right they're paying for it! :)
8:59 PM
Brenna said…
Big hugs to you, Melissa. Just want you to know how much I am thinking of you and praying for you often each day. Thank you for your beautiful list ~
9:36 PM
Shelly said…
Praying for you and all that will come with tomorrow! Continue to find your rest in Him, and let Him take the burdens!
10:27 PM
KrisJ said…
I have been so stressed the last 6 weeks and everytime I catch myself I think about you and how strong you are and how rediculous it is for me to feel bad for myself and my small dramas when you are dealing with the C word! You my friend are making the rest of us better and stronger so yes you deserve a day of wallow and screaming and crying! You are amazing and you are in my constant prayers and thoughts.
Great list, I need to focus on the positive more.
10:29 PM
one of nettie's girls said…
Wallowing is not only allowed but encouraged. Just envision a pressure cooker that lets the steam build up to a pre-set increment and then slowly releases it. That's you............you can only let it build up so long before you have to get some of it out. That may be through crying, screaming, pouting, etc. Just do it. You will feel better. Praying daily for you.
10:48 AM
Anonymous said…
I feel like I know you and your family well from reading your blog; I enjoy each of them. Praying for you and your family as you begin your treatments! --Vickie Hollis
11:05 AM
M said…
SO thrilled to read about the insurance coming through! Great news!!

We all need time to wallow from time to time. I think it is very much needed especially during times of crisis. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."-Psalm 30:5

I hope you are feeling the blanket of prayer over you today, Melissa. You can handle this girlie!!
1:09 PM
Cathy Keller said…
This cracks me up. Every time we take a picture of Emma in goggles, they are upside down!! Adorable pic!
3:28 PM
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