Identity Crisis

This post will be all over the place. Just a warning. :)

When I first started blogging years ago, it was to keep track of our daily happenings for 2 reasons: (1) because Camden was a super cute 3 year old and I wanted to remember all his little sayings, and (2) we were in process to adopt a second child, and I was hoping I would be able to refer back to the blog and see what was happening the day that child was born.

So I kept track of those two things, we got our referral, we went to Korea. I blogged ALOT during our trip to Korea, and then kept on blogging about our daily life because Rory was too cute not to share with the world. (Not to mention, I had snuck a little note to her foster mother with the blog address and I knew she was reading.)

Then I blogged to help keep my sanity as a stay-at-home-mom of two and because sharing the struggles was a way of venting as well as a way to document our memories.

Cancer happened, and the blog shifted into keeping everyone updated on my treatments. It was also a very important outlet for my feelings when I couldn't voice those fears out loud to an actual human being.

Next up was moving past cancer, or living with it actually, and keeping up with our move to Texas and my recovery. We all know that didn't end particularly well since one year ago this week I had a scar tissue surgery and then 2 short weeks later had major surgery that resulted in an 8 day hospital stay and the discovery that my cancer was still hanging out in my abdomen.

Now I've blogged through another year of cancer, taking a break, waiting, waiting, and waiting some more. The kids are both in school, and while they're still funny and cute, there just aren't as many opportunity for pictures and they don't evolve day to day the way toddlers do.  Instead of regular doctor's appointments (for which I'm grateful), my days are filled with mundane tasks such as cutting up more fruits and veggies than I could have possibly imagined would fill my fridge, laundry, housekeeping, repeat, repeat, repeat. And aren't you all just SO tired of hearing about my ailments because I am certainly tired of having them, and I try not to share every detail.

Maybe I'm not going through a blogging crisis so much as an identity crisis because the days feel long, and at the end of them I am just tired and feel a little alot as if my day's accomplishments are so insignificant. I feel like a failure as I pack up clothes that no longer fit. I can't figure out why in the world I still feel like crap so often even though I haven't had a chemo treatment in over 4 months. Instead of being content with our home, I just feel overwhelmed with the fact that our garage is full of junk and I still don't have much on the walls or cute pillows made for the couch. And don't get me started on the disasters that are Camden and Rory's rooms.

I know in my heart how important it is to be present for carpooling and homework, but it mostly feels like playing referee. I know it's important for me to eat clean and work hard in the kitchen to provide healthy meals, but mostly I just want to run through the Chick-Fil-A drive-through and chase it down with a cupcake. Life is such a roller coaster. Last week was a very good week; this week is not so very good.

As He so often does, God has made it increasingly clear to me over the last few days that (a) I need to change my attitude, (b) I need to find a place of my own again, and (c) I am most definitely not the only one dealing with these insecurities.

I've heard several friends this week lamenting that they feel useless and unappreciated after spending their days doing laundry and cleaning baseboards. I *so* get that.

I've read blog posts and had conversations with fellow cancer patients, and I'm not feeling quite as wimpy for my ongoing struggles.

And guess what? I am apparently not the only mother who feels more like a referee than loving mama in their own home and can't wait for bedtime. :)

And so while God gave me some clear direction on things I need to do to improve my attitude, He also made me feel not so alone in my insecurities and struggles. And maybe if you're reading this and are feeling a little insecure in your life right now, you won't feel quite as alone either.

A few of my morning accomplishments. 

(you should see the rest of my fridge and the disaster that is our bedroom)