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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Identity Crisis

This post will be all over the place. Just a warning. :)

When I first started blogging years ago, it was to keep track of our daily happenings for 2 reasons: (1) because Camden was a super cute 3 year old and I wanted to remember all his little sayings, and (2) we were in process to adopt a second child, and I was hoping I would be able to refer back to the blog and see what was happening the day that child was born.

So I kept track of those two things, we got our referral, we went to Korea. I blogged ALOT during our trip to Korea, and then kept on blogging about our daily life because Rory was too cute not to share with the world. (Not to mention, I had snuck a little note to her foster mother with the blog address and I knew she was reading.)

Then I blogged to help keep my sanity as a stay-at-home-mom of two and because sharing the struggles was a way of venting as well as a way to document our memories.

Cancer happened, and the blog shifted into keeping everyone updated on my treatments. It was also a very important outlet for my feelings when I couldn't voice those fears out loud to an actual human being.

Next up was moving past cancer, or living with it actually, and keeping up with our move to Texas and my recovery. We all know that didn't end particularly well since one year ago this week I had a scar tissue surgery and then 2 short weeks later had major surgery that resulted in an 8 day hospital stay and the discovery that my cancer was still hanging out in my abdomen.

Now I've blogged through another year of cancer, taking a break, waiting, waiting, and waiting some more. The kids are both in school, and while they're still funny and cute, there just aren't as many opportunity for pictures and they don't evolve day to day the way toddlers do.  Instead of regular doctor's appointments (for which I'm grateful), my days are filled with mundane tasks such as cutting up more fruits and veggies than I could have possibly imagined would fill my fridge, laundry, housekeeping, repeat, repeat, repeat. And aren't you all just SO tired of hearing about my ailments because I am certainly tired of having them, and I try not to share every detail.

Maybe I'm not going through a blogging crisis so much as an identity crisis because the days feel long, and at the end of them I am just tired and feel a little alot as if my day's accomplishments are so insignificant. I feel like a failure as I pack up clothes that no longer fit. I can't figure out why in the world I still feel like crap so often even though I haven't had a chemo treatment in over 4 months. Instead of being content with our home, I just feel overwhelmed with the fact that our garage is full of junk and I still don't have much on the walls or cute pillows made for the couch. And don't get me started on the disasters that are Camden and Rory's rooms.

I know in my heart how important it is to be present for carpooling and homework, but it mostly feels like playing referee. I know it's important for me to eat clean and work hard in the kitchen to provide healthy meals, but mostly I just want to run through the Chick-Fil-A drive-through and chase it down with a cupcake. Life is such a roller coaster. Last week was a very good week; this week is not so very good.

As He so often does, God has made it increasingly clear to me over the last few days that (a) I need to change my attitude, (b) I need to find a place of my own again, and (c) I am most definitely not the only one dealing with these insecurities.

I've heard several friends this week lamenting that they feel useless and unappreciated after spending their days doing laundry and cleaning baseboards. I *so* get that.

I've read blog posts and had conversations with fellow cancer patients, and I'm not feeling quite as wimpy for my ongoing struggles.

And guess what? I am apparently not the only mother who feels more like a referee than loving mama in their own home and can't wait for bedtime. :)

And so while God gave me some clear direction on things I need to do to improve my attitude, He also made me feel not so alone in my insecurities and struggles. And maybe if you're reading this and are feeling a little insecure in your life right now, you won't feel quite as alone either.


A few of my morning accomplishments. 
(you should see the rest of my fridge and the disaster that is our bedroom)
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9 comments:

Danyelle said...

I absolutely love your Honesty.

K. Angel said...

Hugs to you Melissa!

Katie said...

Hi,

I am new to your blog but have read through much of your archived posts to learn more about your story. I just want to tell you that I think you're awesome! You are brave, kind, funny, smart, sensitive, loving - and I'm sure a million more things that the people in your life know well. You've helped me take a much need attitude check and now I start my days noting all that I have to be grateful for rather than all the things I wish I had. So thank you! I wish you and your family all the best.

Vicky said...

I'm wondering if my friend Robin's post will speak to you as much as it did me- its simple and honest and straight from her heart and addresses this very idea...

http://www.allthingsheartandhome.com/2013/04/24/god-is-in-the-sweeping/

I hope its as encouraging to you as it was to me :)



Brenna said...

Had one of those weeks around here last week! Kept telling myself: "Self, your paycheck is no reflection of how much you work, you will never "finish" the laundry and that is OK, and God sees every little service you perform for your family that no one else even notices." The positive language in my head didn't fix my whole attitude, but paired with some chocolate therapy, it helped a lot. Hope you find sunshine in your days again soon. Love and hugs~

VinGirl said...

More than the veggies and fruit, your accomplishment photo is very telling, because I see the picture of you and your children. Being a mom is an accomplishment every day, even when we feel we haven't shined the way we'd like. ❤

subgirl said...

Congtratulations, Melissa! You are NORMAL!!! I'm 63 years old, do not have any major health issues to deal with, and somedays I feel exactly like you have been feeling this week. I look back at my day and wonder what in the world I accomplished. Who did I help? I think all of us, especially mommies, often feel just the way you have been feeling. Even old ladies like me often feel as though our life is flying by and we have nothing of importance to show for it. You are an amazing Creation of a Mighty God and He is working in and through you for His purpose. (And just look at those two precious little souls that you have introduced to Him!)

Christine said...

I meant to comment on this right after it went up... but then the dryer cycle ended and yada yada yada... it's now days later.

I'm not surprised that you hit this point (and I have been there too!) but I'm so SAD you have hit this point. I wish you knew how inspirational you are to me. I trust your input, value your friendship, and love reading about whatever you want to share. I wish you a wonderful week this week since you most certainly deserve it.

HUGS.

Amy said...

Really late commenting once again, but I am so with you on this. I so often feel the same way. And far too many days I wake up not sure I can do all the same things again: read the same books, play cars, deal with the tantrums, etc etc etc. Thanks for reminding me I'm not the only one.