Helpful, Not Helpful

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I've only recently felt up to joining cancer forums, and they have been both helpful and not helpful. Helpful in the sense that I no longer feel crazy for my continuing aches and pains/various chemo side effects because everyone else seems to have them too (despite how the doctors might make me feel). Helpful in that I realize there are many other women living a long time with ovarian cancer, maybe more than the stats led me to believe. Not helpful because I see just how many people are affected by this disease. Not helpful because I see cancer recurrences many times over. Not helpful because sometimes people die.

Not a day goes by that I don't have to stifle the feeling of panic and push back the knowledge that there is a monster living inside my body just biding its time. It is certainly easier to do now than it was 3 months ago or 6 months ago, but those feelings are never far from the surface.

Yesterday, two of the friends I follow (ironically enough, not from the new cancer forums, but *old* friends I have connected with through the nasty world of cancer) found out they will be on chemo for the rest of their lives. One of them even had a time frame given for life expectancy. If it's hard for me to read, then I can only imagine how hard it is to live. I've been in that doctor's office and heard some of those same words.

It's always good to remind myself that today I am okay. Today I am not sick. Today I don't need to worry. Today I'm going to take care of my sick (but getting much better) girl. Today I'm going to get a haircut (six weeks always feels like forever when your hair is as short as mine). Today I'm going to make popcorn and watch Survivor with my husband after the kids go to bed. Today I am good.

And today I am going to go turn off the notifications from those cancer forums because I need to limit myself to those friends and fellow cancer patients I am already invested in.


Brian is really getting into this frost art thing.
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This girl has been in the process of getting sick since Saturday so I wasn't surprised when she woke up yesterday wheezing. I think I've pumped enough steroids/inhalers in her that we're going to make it over the hump. She woke up better this morning so I canceled her doctor's appointment and just kept her home another day.
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This girl loves Pioneer Woman so on sick days, we eat in front of the TV with some PW to keep us entertained. Because, let's be honest: these are LONG days. Rory vacillated yesterday between asking what kind of special/fun things I had planned for her and crying/coughing on the couch.
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Comments

Vicky said…
Ohhhhh- the forums can be so rough! I dip my toes in and out too. So glad and grateful you are well.
6:45 PM
Christine @ 12,450miles said…
Oh, I can only imagine what a mixed bag those forums are… Tough, tough stuff.

I'm sorry Rory has been so sick! :( I would love to hang out watching Pioneer Woman with you for the day though… :)
7:06 AM
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