I think I mentioned Rory is very into romance these days (with no encouragement from us I might add). One day last week after a trip to the library, she got into the car, buckled her seatbelt and announced, "I am sooooooooo romantic!" And her response to seeing the candlelit dinner I planned for the longest night of the year (Dec. 21) was, "This is SO SEEEEXXXYYY!" And, yes, we had a conversation about how inappropriate that is for a 6 year old. Not exactly how I was planning to start the meal.
Camden told me yesterday that he could give me directions to the orphanage where they went caroling. Ummm, I think you mean nursing home, buddy.
Rory had her first sleepover during Christmas break (our pastor's girls are a tween and teen and they LOVE her). From what I understand there was a chocolate milk party (instead of a tea party) under the kitchen table and the girls let her do their make-up. As Rory walked out the door to leave our house, she told Camden she hoped he had a boring time. This mama almost didn't let the sassy girl leave the house after that comment.
Wearing scrubs has always been on my "to do" list. I have no idea why! But yesterday instead of a stupid hospital gown, I got to wear scrubs for my CT scan. Granted, a 300 lb man could have fit into them with me, but they were scrubs.
So yesterday wasn't bad. I received news over the holiday that Dr. W is switching hospitals so I didn't really know what to expect when I went to the new facility for my scan yesterday, but it was SO much better than the previous hospital. Not only did I not have to wait, but the aides were incredibly kind. And the best part was that there is new technology and instead of drinking 20 ounces of the nasty chalky substance that I despise, I had to drink 32 ounces of water (with some tasteless contrast added in). Brian and I were in and out in exactly an hour; definitely record time. We even had time to run a few errands and used a gift card to P.F. Chang's for lunch.
By the time we picked the kids up from school, ran to his parent's house to pick up supper (which they graciously provided), I was completely exhausted. Never underestimate the emotional energy it takes to keep your mind in check on scan or bloodwork day. Not helping was the fact that a friend had a check-up similar to mine yesterday, and there have been complications. She is awaiting news just like me.
I had begun to think that the anti-anxiety medicine Dr. W prescribed was much like other meds - they don't work. For instance, I can stay wide awake through 2 bags of pre-chemo meds while everyone else is knocked out around me. A Phenergran infusion? Yep, wide awake. Heavy prescription pain meds barely give me a buzz, I can stay awake 24 hours on Ambien CR (which is the heavy duty kind), and let's not even talk about something as minor as Benadryl or Tylenol PM. But when I became so anxious last night that the only two options seemed to be crawl out of my own skin or head to the closet for a crying session that might not end, I took a Xanax and a bubble bath and within an hour felt a semblance of calm. Maybe there are prescription meds left that I'm not immune to after all.
Today is wait, wait, and wait some more. I really don't know when I'll hear from the doctor. It's very possible he'll call today; it's also possible that he'll just see me in the office during my regularly scheduled appointment Thursday.
I keep thinking that I should have a handle on all of this by now. After all, not only have I been through 2 adoptions, both fraught with waiting, a sister who went through cancer, but I'm a 2 year veteran of this fight myself. I should be better at the waiting, and the trusting, and the overall dealing with "it". But nothing can prepare you for how hard it is. There is certainly no easy button when your 6 year old cries as she heads off to a New Year's Eve party while you stay at home and she asks "will you please not go up to heaven before I get back?" or when she can hardly make herself leave for school because she is crying and breathing so heavily I think she might hyperventilate out of concern for scan results. There is no amount of prayer or Scripture that can make that easy. Camden handles things in a different way. He comes up with elaborate plans for when I answer the phone and the doctor gives me good news; he has very imaginative ways in which I will let them both know the good news. And if I get good news, you can guarantee I'm going to try to make all his little imaginary dreams of a big announcement come true.
The verse attached to my Jesus Calling devotion this morning was Psalm 46, which is fitting since it's the chapter we read over and over and over last year as a family. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea . . ."
I'll let you know when I know.