Details

How about a quick history lesson on my cancer.

March 2011
diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer; surgery removed all but very small pieces from the peritoneal wall and a small spot on my liver

September 2011
completed 6 rounds of platinum-based chemo (a.k.a. the best there is for ovarian cancer)

September 2011
discovered there was absolutely no change in my cancer after chemo; resumed chemo

January 2012
after a day in the hospital and gall bladder attack, CT scan shows that cancer appears to be calcified/dead and we suspend chemo on a month-to-month basis

May 2012
big surgery and 7 day hospital stay for gall bladder; cancer biopsied and found to still be active

July 2012-December 2012 
chemo

January 2013
CT scan shows there is still no change in cancer

(I should get some kind of reward for being able to condense the last 2 years down to just this short list.)

So after hearing my latest CT scan news and that Dr. W wanted to see me in person, I definitely went to worst case scenario in my head. Despite feeling pretty emotionally stable over the last 2 weeks, the kids were devastated, and we cried alot of tears together. Brian and I had some very frank discussions about what our family's future looks like. It was hard.

But when Dr. W met us at the door (literally) with a smile on his face and proceeded to tell us that the cancer continues to look calcified; there is absolutely no new growth; and that he recommends I continue on this "chemo holiday," I felt the knot inside my stomach start to unravel.

This is not remission or NED (no evidence of disease) as is the more common term these days. But it is a reprieve and is probably the most positive news I could hope for. Dr. W mentioned many times how unusual my case has been so far. Ovarian cancer is typically very aggressive, especially when platinum-based chemo has not worked. No growth in nearly 2 years is fairly remarkable. 

So we're going to enjoy a little time off. I will have monthly blood work and if the CA125 stays stable, then a CT scan every 3 months. If my CA125 number starts to double, then "all bets are off." And let's not forget that while they are small fluctuations, my CA125 has gone up 2 months in a row. If/when my CA125 starts to double, the next chemo I have will be easier in terms of day-to-day side effects, but it does have some more serious side effects for my body (not to mention it will make me bald again).

I also want to point out that Dr. W told us specifically that if I were his wife, he would be recommending a break. He says my body needs this time to heal and that I should enjoy myself. As he said that, I remembered how he rubbed my shoulder and told me to enjoy my Christmas break back in December (as I cried because my CA125 had gone up). I've tortured myself with the thought that he was encouraging me so strongly to enjoy my holiday because he thought it would be my last Christmas. 

I'm telling you, controlling fear is not easy.

So this morning I'm having a second cup of coffee (I try to just have one but have failed miserably the last couple of weeks), take a few hours to catch up on some scrapping, jump into carpooling, and fix supper for my family (along with a few extra members tonight).

After running errands yesterday morning (and before my doctor's appointment so I guess you could call it stress eating), Brian and I went to The Perch (a crepery in Green Hills for my local friends) and had a lemon sugar crepe. Oh. My. Stars.