4/366: Back to work

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Football in the Park

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There are an embarrassing number of pictures in this post. It was one of those early fall afternoons that was just perfection. I had a hard time putting the camera down so that I could actually participate in the activity. It just felt like I was missing out on trying to capture the feeling of that hour in the park. If you can believe it, family, I actually played football. :) Side note: I have alot more pictures of Rory than Camden mostly because he moved too fast for me to capture very well. Most of his pics are blurry. Caught it even with his eyes closed. Watching barges and speed boats go by.
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The Scoop

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I feel as if I don't even know where to start this post since things have been happening at a rapid pace over the last several weeks. And I'll apologize in advance, because it's not alot of fun information, but I'm documenting more for my sake than yours. So after several weeks of not only being ill from chemo but having a crazy swollen IP (stomach) port as well as a crazy knot down near my belly button - both of which were incredibly painful - they admitted me to the hospital Monday morning (July 4). One of the few perks of being a cancer patient is that your doctor can simply place a phone call to the hospital and from the time we walked in the door until we were in our room was barely 10 minutes. They immediately did a CT scan and put me on two IV antibiotics. The CT tech ran the dye through my port, which is apparently a big no-no. This detail is important later on. Wednesday, the doctor who did my colon surgery stopped by and decided the port had to come out beca...
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Not Okay

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In the past 48 hours I've received 9 emails asking how I'm doing. I've been debating writing this post for more than 48 hours, and I may regret it later, but I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine so I'll just answer you all here. While I don't feel well physically, emotionally I feel completely battered. I knew this was going to be hard, but I clearly underestimated how hard it would be to face the reality that chemo is now my way of life. That I'm never going to get to quit. That there is no hope of a cure. That I am probably not going to see my children grow up or grow old with my husband. That physically, this is as good as it gets. I know I should look at chemo as a gift. It's supposed to kill cancer. But chemo hasn't proven to kill my cancer; it just makes me sick. I'm tired of being an "inspiration." Tired of choosing joy, choosing gratitude. Tired of not knowing where we'll live or work. Tired of waiting on God...
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